By Lois Rogers | Correspondent

There was a hushed quiet in the vaulted reaches of Riverview Studios in Bordentown as a grief stricken father and son, still grappling with the sudden death of their young son and brother, shared their extraordinary story of healing, forgiveness and hope.

Dan Duddy, Donovan Catholic High School’s high school football coach and pastoral minister for athletics, along with his son, Dan Jr., had taken the long drive from Toms River to this place tucked away on the Delaware River to talk about Francis Xavier Duddy, a young man known for his gifts of faith, intelligence, exuberance and laughter. During a taping of the diocesan television show, “The Catholic Corner,” and a subsequent interview with The Monitor, the Duddys retold the painful story of Francis’ death at the age of 19 in a devastating car accident.

Donovan Catholic alumnus Connor Hanifin was driving the car that crashed in February 2014 following a night of partying. He was seriously hurt and Francis Duddy, his good friend and schoolmate, was fatally injured. Hanifin was tried, convicted and sentenced to three and a half years in prison with charge of vehicular homicide of his friend.

Throughout this process, coach Duddy and his son Dan have been the faces and the voices out in front of their large, engaging Catholic family – Francis’ mother Maura; brothers Michael, Keenan and William; his sisters, Aileen, Annah and Grace, and maternal grandmother Jacqueline Sheehan.

At the core, theirs is a message of forgiveness and Christian charity.

Father and son conveyed that profoundly emotional message during Hanifin’s Jan. 23 sentencing. Their remarks were widely reported and shared in print and social media, evoking a tide of not only sympathy, but inspiration as well.

A news video of the sentencing captured the tears that welled in coach Duddy’s eyes as he said: “You, Connor, have a responsibility to right yourself, as do we and you can’t do that, nor can we, without our forgiveness. It would be impossible.”

“On behalf of all the people in my life, we give you a very high level of forgiveness Connor,” Dan Sr. said.

The video reports captured Dan Jr.’s equally moving statement of how “it’s our mission to make sure two lives are not taken through this process … We’ll do this through forgiveness and by remaining by Connor’s side from here on out.”

Dan Jr. shared during his interview with The Monitor that offering forgiveness represented “a validation of our true beliefs as a family.”

He remembered that he “got to watch Connor grow up, just as I watched Francis.” Such memories, he said, made it difficult to see Connor in such a terribly painful situation.

But, he acknowledged, actually being able to forgive Hanifin took a journey of faith. “Shortly after the tragedy, (I started) to feel angry easily and alone. The faith that I did have allowed me to find solace and comfort.

“I don’t want to make it sound easy – it wasn’t – but having faith, at some point, you come to the decision that the only way to set yourself free, move on with your life and get over the grieving process is forgiveness.”

Through forgiveness, Dan Jr. said, “you are able to celebrate Francis’ life, not his loss.”

Forgiveness was the defining moment that set them free to act in Francis’ name, they said. Without it, the family would not have been able to place “the right focus” on compassion, Dan Jr. said.

Uniting in Faith

Francis’ spirit comes through loud and clear when Dan Jr. and his dad describe the wonderful, if all too brief life the young man experienced.

When coach Duddy speaks of his late son, the love and raw emotion that he still feels are palpable. “The memories and scraps of memories stay right with you,” he said.

But in their interviews, with the Diocese, coach Duddy and Dan Jr. paint a portrait of Francis as someone with a “lively energy” from the time he came into the world. “He was an amazing kid. … From day one, you couldn’t stop him from entertaining. If you sent him outside (when he was little), to calm down, he would go to the patio door and resume entertaining,” his father said.

The two reflected on Francis’ many good qualities. “He would always seek out the underdog, the person alone in the cafeteria, the girl without a prom date,” said Duddy Sr.

Young Dan added: “His nature was very inclusive, he was unique and sensitive but don’t confuse that with a lack of strength. He was very strong.”

Both said what they miss most about Francis is his joyous approach to life and the way he broke down barriers, bridged gaps and, as his brother said, “pulled joy out of shy people.”

When Francis died, it helped immeasurably, father and son said, to have the overwhelming support of the St. Joseph Parish and school community, an ongoing outpouring that the elder Duddy, a coach of 36 years and pastoral minister of four years, describes as nothing short of miraculous.

He credits Father G. Scott Shaffer, St. Joseph pastor, for smoothing the way during the family’s initial agony, offering the church as the setting for the wake which was attended by upwards of 2,000 people.

“We are so very grateful,” he said. During the wake and the funeral that followed, he said, it was though the community united to shelter the family from this terrible storm.

“Your first instinct was to run away,” from the sorrow and “never come back,” Dan Jr. said. “But the community came together and reeled us back in. They helped us, they spent time with us.”

Even now, as Holy Week progressed, Dan Jr. described how they still do.

“The outpouring continues,” he said.

“Every holiday, people reach out to us. They stop by with simple acts of love like dropping off pastries. It’s pretty constant. Our friends keep a close watch on how mom and the kids are doing, bosses, friends, co-workers, parishioners … hundreds of people check in to see how things are going.”

Building a Legacy

The Duddy family’s commitment to forgive Hanifin, even in the midst of their pain and grief, offered a rare, heart-wrenching and real-life example of what it truly means to be a Christian disciple. For them, the Gospel call to “turn the other cheek” was more than just words in a book, or an unattainable ideal. And their determination to serve the Gospel in Francis’ memory has only just begun, the pair said as they spoke about the legacy plans the family has forged in his memory.

Coach Duddy, who also leads the Catholic Athletes for Christ Cathlete high school chapter program and serves as a speaker in the area of masculine spirituality, reaches out to the community and to youth in general with the story of what happened to his son. In his presentations in schools and to organizations, he strives to make what happened to Francis real for the kids, not just something out of a cautionary movie against drunk driving where the audience knows the actors get up and walk away to live another day.

Dan Jr. gives occasional talks, but is mostly focused on building a scholarship in his brother’s memory to support an academically and financially qualifying incoming student of Donovan Catholic High School.

The scholarship, the Duddy’s noted, will go to a student who exemplifies a joyous approach to life, has a passion for making others feel loved, and excels academically, athletically and morally.

They believe that bringing Francis’ story to the mainstream is a gift and a blessing. “We think Francis is saving lives,” said Coach Duddy. “I don’t want other young people to die this way.”

He feels that young people very much need direction – indeed coaching – to develop a mindset that will help them comprehend the dangers in that drink, that fast ride on the road.

“They talk about how 19-year-olds don’t read the paper,” the coach said, noting that they don’t realize that young people die. He added ruefully that Francis had seen the cautionary films and “movies don’t do much good.”

Coach Duddy’s focus is helping kids develop a personal creed that will enable them to turn away from danger. “Social media has hampered kids from developing their ethical and moral structure. There has to be a voice that kicks in,” that alerts them to danger, he said.

“A voice that says: this is my code, an inner voice so that sound decisions can be made, so that you realize you need to slow down.”

And, he notes, the other very important thing, is helping them to focus on the power to forgive.

“So many previous moments in my life at the foot of the Crucifix came to fruition at Francis’ death. Maura and I offered our suffering to Jesus (on the Cross) and to his Mother Mary at his feet,” Coach Duddy said, noting that his wife especially found solace in the Blessed Virgin.

To have not forgiven Connor, “as difficult as the situation was and remains to be, would have been a complete disregard for the Crucifix and all of (Christ’s) suffering and his absolute and ongoing forgiveness for us. If Our Lord could do this for us, we can surely do it not only for Connor, but for our family and the whole community.”

“We had the responsibility of a whole lot of people, not just our own souls on us. Forgiveness lifted all of this.”