“A Good Man Is Hard to Find” – so wrote the renowned Southern author Flannery O’Connor some 60 years ago in what is today considered among the best American short stories ever written.

When I was young, I found it macabre – a story of evil men gunning down an entire family because that’s what they enjoyed doing.

Today, I still find it disturbing, but enlightening, with a new appreciation of O’Connor’s understanding of divine grace, and realizing, also, that O’Connor wasn’t referring to men, in particular, but people in general, and Christians especially.

But over the years, the title, pregnant with meaning, has become a literal contemporary adage, often displayed on the front of a humorous “For Her” greeting card: “They say a good man is hard to find…” 

Inside the card is some silly, often snarky sentiment about men. Generally, that’s a card that will sell because sometimes it is funny, and most people recognize that an occasional good-natured barb at the opposite sex doesn’t mark the demise of our moral standards. A problem arises, however, when the barbs become accepted perceptions; lessons we allow our children to learn.

Growing up in the sixties, I was among those young women who applauded and supported the changing status of women in society, a status which was eventually reflected more and more in the rapidly expanding world of media advertising.

For hundreds of years, women were relegated to the place of second class citizens with perceived limited potential, presented as devoid of enough intelligence or emotional stability to make the important decisions men make. It was frustrating, and unjust, but finally we seemed to be coming into our own, slowly gaining respect and stature in our communities, and media was helping convey the message.

Having included “Leave it to Beaver” in my very limited TV viewing repertoire as a young girl, I often thought that the Beaver’s mom would have some real issues with the first “Charlie’s Angels,” who were just making their appearance as I was planning my wedding. Talk about a change.

Sadly, however, it seems the pendulum in media and marketing has swung so far that, rather than simply promoting the strength, potential and inherent beauty of women, it has resorted to diminishing the status and character of men, particularly in family situations – much like an ugly political campaign highlighting one opponent’s shortcomings instead of providing an honest rendering of the other’s successes and failures.

Sure, I’m biased, as a wife and mother of six sons, though I will confess to my fair share of sexist jokes and retorts, especially when frustration with the testosterone levels in my house have reached a pinnacle.

But, frustration aside, it is obvious that what we are seeing in the media is the crafting of a stereotype portraying the “family man” as incompetent, self-absorbed, the helpless victim of children’s sarcasm and their wives’ disrespect – in a word, buffoons; certainly, not one among them the “good man” you’d want your daughter to bring home as a potential husband.

It seems that the battle for equality that has raged throughout so much of history, not just between men and woman but among people of different ethnicities and faiths, has often left all sides bereft of a most important principle – honor.  In our respective jockeying for position, we have lost sight of the divine spark that resides in the “other.”  We often forget that being raised up does not require that we first knock down, or that the people we are knocking down are also children of God.

When I think of the men in my family, especially my husband and sons, and the wonderful male friends I am blessed to have, I see good men – unique certainly, like my female friends; imperfect, no doubt, like me – but good men just the same; men who want to love well, even if they, like we, still have a way to go. And they exist in every family, every community around the world.

So, to Miss O’Connor I would say, a good man is not really so hard to find, as long as you look with the eyes of love.

Mary Morrell serves as managing editor of The Monitor.