By Christina Leslie | Staff Writer

In answer to Pope Francis’ observation that the Church must act as a “field hospital” for its wounded members, the diocesan Department of Pastoral Care held a Day of Healing for separated and divorced Catholics Oct. 17 in St. Ann Parish, Lawrenceville. About 60 people heard keynote speaker, Marianne Skrobiak, describe the importance of faith and strong parish support for those affected by a failing marriage.

“People need to be seen, heard and validated as their marriages end,” Skrobiak said. “We have to be more compassionate. They need healing. They still want to feel part of the Church family.”

Citing the grim statistics of marriage in the United States, a country with the highest divorce rate in the world, she told the group that 50 percent of first marriages end in divorce, as do 65 percent of second marriages and 75 percent of third marriages.

Skrobiak, who holds master’s degrees in theology and educational psychology, is newly retired after an 18-year career as a psychotherapist serving the Milwaukee area. Divorced after a 28-year marriage, she is the creator of “Return to Life,” a six-week DVD series aimed at Catholics who have divorced.

A newly separated or divorced person typically cycles through a number of emotions: pain and inner turmoil, the sense of being lost and alone, feeling like a failure, betrayal by their spouse, anger at themselves, God and others, and a sense of bewilderment, Skrobiak enumerated. The separated or divorced person’s most pressing needs at this stage, she said, are understanding and compassion with a focus on sharing accurate information and supplying them with acceptance, support, resources and prayer as they grow and heal.

“In the past, the Church did not offer a lot of help on this issue,” Skrobiak said. She noted many Catholics had hesitated to go to their faith communities with their loss because they believed they would be ostracized, excommunicated or unwelcome. “But it is my personal belief that, without God in your life, you will never recover from this,” she avowed. “Unless you are in a relationship with him, you are sunk.”

Skrobiak recommended the separated or divorced seek a group of others who have gone through the same process, yet are a bit further down the road to recovery. “There may be reticence to be seen as vulnerable, but healing with others is healthy. You need a safe place where the leaders can say, ‘Look, it happened to me too.’ It takes the stigma out of it.”

“Faith is number one,” the Catholic psychotherapist said. “It is so imperative when you go through this major life loss, and it is a loss, for divorce ranks number two in severity right after the loss of a spouse through death. For deaths, we have wakes and funerals and rituals. We need something to acknowledge this is real pain.”

“Is this another bereavement ministry? Yes,” she declared. “It is similar to the loss of a loved one through death. It is death of a marriage, of a dream, of other relationships.”

“It is a powerful ministry. You have to remember that God is the only one who will be there 24/7 for you,” Skrobiak noted. “But sometimes, you need a God with skin on, and that’s where these groups come in. They let you know you’re going to make it.”

The Department of Pastoral Care also hosted Skrobiak’s presentation to facilitators of separated and divorced parish support groups Oct. 16, also in St. Ann Parish.

Both Attendees and group facilitators realized the value of parish based support for the newly separated and divorced.  Deacon Rich Hobson of St. James Parish, Pennington, recalled his own state of mind after his divorce and the lessons of faith he learned.

“I discovered that my mistakes did not have to keep me from turning to God. Being with people that were journeying along the same path made me realize that I did not have to be embarrassed about my situation,” he said. “The support of my parish of such a ministry also helped in my healing because it also made me realize there was a lot of support for the group and its success. Without this support I do not know if I would have healed and been able to move on and start life over again.”

Mary Alice Laird,a parishioner in St. Barnabas, Bayville, described the joy she felt in discovering a nearby parish had a support system after her marriage ended.

“A program at St. Dominic Parish was presented by the deacon and his wife was listed in our bulletin. The date was open and I went to check it out. It was a Godsend! … Praise God, many changes, new faces, new needs, but we continue to strive.”

Deacon Eugene Somma of St. Michael Parish, West End, serves as a member of the diocesan advisory committee for separated and divorced ministries, and was grateful about both the workshop presenter and the audience.

“I was impressed to see so many age groups represented [and] also impressed with the number of men in the room as we all know the studies say men are not inclined to join these kinds of groups,” he noted. “It was most evident how much pain was in that room and it was most moving that these folk turned to Holy Mother the Church for help. They were seeking the truth which they got. And I truly believe, some of their pain was relieved. What a gift.”

Of Skrobiak’s presentation, Somma said she “was a powerful force for those in pain. She truly showed how our Lord is merciful and his mercy flowed that day. It was a great day in the Diocese of Trenton.”

The diocesan Department of Pastoral Care maintains a directory of resources for the separated and divorced, including a listing of parish support groups, upcoming events and information on annulments, at dioceseoftrenton.org/pastoralcare.