Parishes with bereavement groups should invite the grieving to their meetings but organizers should not be surprised when it takes a couple of months for a bereaved person to respond to such an invitation, said Deacon James Russo of St. Gabriel Church, Marlboro.

Parishes with or without groups can remember the bereaved in the Prayers of the Faithful as well as scheduled Memorial Masses, he said.

Parishes reach out in different ways, said Jane Glatzer, bereavement ministry coordinator in the diocesan Office of Family Life/Respect Life. One parish she knows schedules a Mass on New Year’s Eve in memory of persons who died during the year that is ending. Other parishes hold prayer services to honor and remember the loss of loved ones, perhaps on All Souls Day or other times during the year.

"People flock and groups flock to be of assistance to the bereaved, and then things drift away and everyone assumes that the people involved, the bereaved, are getting back to normal and all of a sudden they are left on their own," she said.

Knowing someone cares
"Maintaining contact through a bereavement ministry, through phone calls or writing notes, allows people to know that someone cares and that someone is willing to listen." Support groups offer a safe place for the bereaved to realize that there are other people who are experiencing the pain of loss, said Ms. Glatzer.

A newcomer to a group will meet other people who are further down the road in coming to terms with their grieving and that can allow the newcomer to see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

At some point in a group, almost everyone experiences a "guilty thought" that there is someone else who has things a lot harder, said Ms. Glatzer. "This is another step in accepting grief and facing it and recognizing it by saying that things could be a lot worse."

Support groups are a place where there should no criticism or judgment offered or advice given, said Ms. Glatzer.

"This is not a counseling situation. The purpose of the support group is to provide a safe place where people who have experienced a loss through death can walk together on the journey."

A ministry
When Deacon Russo told his wife that he felt he was being called to begin a bereavement ministry at St. Gabriel Parish, her reply was "Couldn’t you do baptisms?"

That was 10 years ago, he said, at a time when very few parishes had bereavement groups. The number of groups continues to increase.

"Although one parish may not have a bereavement ministry, I believe parishes should know what is available in the neighboring parishes and reach out accordingly," he said.

To her knowledge, said Ms. Glatzer, there are about 20 parishes with bereavement groups. There are parishes that also help families prepare for funeral liturgies and provide meals for the families.

Deacon Richard D’Angelo started the bereavement ministry in St. Gregory the Great Parish three years ago.

Although the idea to have a bereavement ministry in the parish had been in the back of his mind for some time, it wasn’t until after a good friend died and the friend’s wife needed help that he acted, said Deacon D’Angelo.

It took about four or five months of preparation that included work with Hospice groups to provide training for volunteers, he said.

Currently the group has four active volunteers and meets every second and fourth Tuesday of the month. As many as 19 bereaved persons have attended at one time, he said.

The structure of the program is flexible. "We minister to whatever the needs might be at that time. Sometimes the people may not want to talk about a topic or issue."

When others have left
Usually, when a person from the parish dies, the priests visit the families and help with making the funeral arrangements, said Deacon D’Angelo, and about two weeks after the funeral, one of the members of the bereavement group contacts the family to "let them know that we’re happy to help if they need us."

In his experience, more women attend the meetings than men, yet those who do attend are more comfortable seeking assistance in their parish, he said.

"They may not know me personally, but they see me on the altar week after week and they feel like they know me and are more readily open to talk with me," he said. "There is a sense of comfort for the person to come to the parish. There is time for prayer and they feel closer to God and closer to their loved one."

In St. Joseph Parish, Toms River, Mercy Sister Rosemary Hudak coordinates a number of bereavement groups, including two groups for widows and widowers, a monthly group for bereaved parents and the Rainbows program for grade school children.

Similar to St. Gregory the Great Parish, Sister Hudak said the priests, secretaries and deacons initially meet with the families to help with funeral arrangements. Because there are people who are not comfortable sharing in a group setting, Sister Hudak said she will minister by phone or send written materials on the stages of the grief process or notifying people of upcoming talks they might find helpful.

Sister Hudak said that monthly memorial services are held at the parish cemetery and mausoleum and bereaved persons who attend do not have to be registered parishioners of the parish. Other services are held on Memorial Day and Palm Sunday, and, on Oct. 1, a Mass for Children who have died is celebrated at the cemetery.

"There is a great need for parish bereavement groups. People find tremendous support with others who have experienced a similar crisis in losing a loved one," said Sister Hudak. "It’s good for people to hear others who are struggling with the same issues. It’s a normal part of the grieving process."

"The function of the church community is to support one another," said Deacon D’Angelo. "No matter how big or small a parish bereavement group may be, it’s about someone giving of one’s self and caring. It’s about seeing the Church in action."