Faith can erase the life-long legacy of fear

After a long and tiring seven hour drive alone from North Carolina in Memorial Day weekend traffic, I finally checked in to a lovely hotel, was upgraded to a suite with a king-size bed and a mattress advertised as “the most comfortable in town!”  It was the perfect ending to a day of driving and I could feel the stress beginning to leave my body… until I turned the deadbolt on my door to the locked position.

For just an instant I felt uncomfortable, recalling a recent stay in a similar hotel when a broken deadbolt  locked my husband and I in our room – on the third floor. I called down to the front desk, “Funny, but it seems we are locked in our room. The door won’t open.”

“What? You’re locked in your room? Oh my, I’ll be right up. Don’t worry!”

I assured her I wasn’t worried, she actually seemed more flustered than I was, but I did take a look out the window to see if there was any means of escape should there be a fire. You know how those things can happen at the worst possible moment.

Soon she was at the door trying multiple keys but finally realizing that the duct tape they had used to hold the broken deadbolt in place had finally given way and no key was going to get us out.

“Oh dear, I….umm….I have to find one of the guys to come up with the crow bar. Don’t worry. I’ll be right back. Don’t go anywhere!”

I had to laugh. Where, exactly, did she think I was going?

Finally, a long 15 minutes later, Gus showed up with the crow bar and pried open the door.

“Sorry about that,” he said. “I’ll get some fresh duct tape.”

“That would great – for the next guests,” I replied, “but I think we would like to move to a room with a working lock, no duct tape, and maybe on the first floor.”

We got a new room and a large discount on our bill and I quickly forgot about the incident, or so I thought. It seems to crop up whenever I travel.  I find myself checking outside the window of my hotel room and I’m certain it’s not for the parking lot view.

It’s funny how fear works, making memories, storing them in hidden places in our minds.  We don’t always realize the extent to which a legacy of fear impacts our lives.

Personally, I have been on a mission for years now, determined to reclaim the parts of my life that have been appropriated by fear.  My first breakthrough came almost 25 years ago when I overcame my fear of speaking in public.

I was a catechist attending a Confirmation preparation meeting with 100 people. When an adult behaving badly leaned over and suggested to her friend that they treat our bishop in a very disrespectful way during the actual sacrament, I saw red and fear left me. At the close of the meeting I marched to the podium, uninvited, and delivered a five minute unprepared speech, powered by the Holy Spirit, that angered some and left others on their feet applauding. I don’t remember a word of what I said. During the years that followed, I would become a workshop presenter, retreat facilitator and have spoken to as many as 800 people at one time.

 I have discovered that when we shine the light of our attention on our fears, we are likely to find the root causes for our worst habits and behaviors – procrastination, poor self-care, a need to control, being critical, responding with anger and even greed (a fear of lack).

While I believe I have made lots of headway over the years, there is still work to be done. But I am confident it will happen in time because my mantra is, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

Mary Morrell, writer, editor and consultant at Wellspring Communications, may be reached at [email protected].