By Tom Tracy | Catholic News Service

ORLANDO, Fla. -- "Bullying" can be a testy topic for which few agree on any single definition, let alone the best way to respond once it happens in or around the classroom.

Still, no fewer than six presenters at an annual convention for Catholic educators took on the problems and controversies surrounding student and school-related bullying during the National Catholic Educational Association's gathering at the Orange County Convention Center in Orlando April 7-9.

Frank DiLallo, a diocesan case manager and consultant to Catholic schools in the Diocese of Toledo, Ohio, said he defines the phenomenon as one causing physical or emotional harm to a student and one also interfering with learning.

DiLallo, who is responsible for responding to virtually all reported incidents of bullying in his diocese, was among the NCEA presenters who said he would prefer not to even use the words "bullying" and "victims" when helping students and parents respond to an incident, and that all parties deserve a compassionate response.

"Mother Teresa said we cannot do great things, we can only do little things with great love, and I think there is a lot to be said for being loving and compassionate around this area," DiLallo said, adding he urges Catholic schools staff not to shy away from first praying with all parties before handling a bullying report.

He urges each particular school community best define for itself precisely what the benchmarks will be for unacceptable student behavior, adding research shows one-shot presentations about bullying are not sufficient and that bullying-prevention requires training infused into overall school programing.

He gave an example of how to talk to parents about a report of bullying without incurring pushback.

"I think we are serving our parents better when we say something like, 'There has been some mistreatment going on in the school and I would like to partner up with you to see how we can partner up with you to help serve you and make sure your child is safe and work through this together,'" said DiLallo, who is author of a bullying-prevention program, "Peace Be With You: A Christ-Centered Bullying Solution."

"Let's get down to the person and what is happening there. We are all about formation, so it is about every situation that comes up and making it a teachable moment and planting a seed for helping that student in formation," he said. "That's what's different (at Catholic schools) and what Christ calls us to do."

Carynn Wiggins, principal of Our Lady of Fatima School in Monroe, Louisiana, in the Diocese of Shreveport, in her NCEA session, "Dealing With Bullying in Catholic Schools," cited research indicating that physical bullying peaks in middle school and levels off in high school, whereas verbal bullying stays constant throughout.

Anyone could be a bully, but studies show student bullies often exhibit aggressive, impulsive tendencies and may experience poor adult supervision, exposure to violence and low self-esteem, she noted.

"Girls have a more subtle style of bullying and are therefore harder to catch," said Wiggins, who urges her school's staff to stay engaged with students throughout the day to reduce the time and space for bullying to fester.

"One of the greatest deterrents we have is friendship: Children with friends tend not to be bullied as much," she said, adding that online and cyberbullying is "almost impossible to get away from because it is there all the time, the audience has no boundaries and easily grows exponentially."

The greatest gift she said educators can give children is to teach them to first try to resolve their own conflicts but ultimately to respond to bullying participants "as an individual, and how can I help them as if it were your own child?"

Lynne Lang, director of school climate for the Archdiocese of St. Louis, said she stumbled into the field of bullying prevention and response after working 14 years in the area of youth health education for a St. Louis hospital before she was invited to come to work in 2011 for the archdiocesan office of schools.

"I saw this as a niche for Catholic schools because there was such a great need," she said. "Everyone thinks that at Catholic schools everything will always be great, but kids leave their little (parochial) grade schools and go on to high school where they fall into traps, because we haven't taught them skills they need to make decisions in the moment."

Lang, who in 2011 was part of a discussion on online safety for women and children and cyber-bullying for the Permanent Observer Mission of the Holy See at the United Nations in New York, promotes a Christian virtue-based training program for bullying prevention and that youth should be the last people educators talk to about bullying behaviors.

"Kids walk into the environment that we create for them, and bullying is an adult problem and bullying in schools will go away when adults model better behavior for kids," she said.

Lang recommends the Olweus Bullying Prevention Program for schools in general, but said Catholic schools need a further faith-based approach for the subtle kinds of bullying likely to show up at private schools. Her own anti-bullying program for Catholic schools is called "Virtue-Based Restorative Discipline," which includes a summer institute training program in Missouri.

"What is really critical is spiritual transformation around virtue education with one holy habit for the year," Lang said. "Everyone in the (school) building is working on an individual virtue and collective virtues."

When anti-social or bullying behavior occurs, schools staff should look for ways to be less punitive with students and to foster discussion of what virtues would have prevented the disruptive behaviors. "When we deal with the little stuff, big stuff is less likely to happen," Lang said.

Chicago-based bullying expert Jodee Blanco, who has four books on the topic and gave a talk at NCEA on parents who bully schools, told Catholic News Service she offers an on-site daylong program with student presentations, faculty workshop and a parent-family seminar called "It's Not Just Joking Around."

"I always get this question, 'Is bullying worse?' Bullying is the same as it has ever been but what is different is that the weaponry to achieve it cuts a wider and deeper swath," Blanco said.

"Thirty years ago if you wanted to start a rumor about somebody you passed it around math class; today that same rumor can be uploaded on YouTube, Facebook, Instagram or Pinterest or Snapchatted to a thousand people with the push of a button or group-texted the same way."

When she goes into schools, Blanco said she also meets what she calls the "elite tormentors" who realize they are bullying and who want help changing.

Blanco urges educators abandon the old cliches about bullying, and encourages them to help bullied students to find alternative social outlets and clubs outside of school with new friends and for schools "to find compassionate forms of discipline that teach kids the joy of being kind."