Editor’s Note: The following reflection – which was originally published on the website silentnomoreawareness.org – was shared with The Monitor by the writer, who resides in Toms River and is a member of St. Dominic Parish, Brick. The writer, now 50 years of age, is a business professional who has never married or had children. She lives alone and is grateful for the blessings of close friends and family. She tells her story with the hope that it will help to keep others from making the same choices, or bring comfort to women who may still be suffering the pain of having aborted a child. She has also written an as-yet-unpublished book, “Broken Whole, My Journey Home.”

In 1980 I had my first abortion.

I was just 19 years old. I was scared and felt I had nobody to turn to. I was afraid the baby’s father would reject me and the baby; and it would cause my family too much pain and shame.

I didn’t want to give the baby up; I begged God for help, but in the end I made the choice to go to the clinic myself and had the baby aborted.

At the clinic my feelings shut down, I felt so alone. Most of it is a blur. I remember women picketing outside the clinic begging me not to go in; I felt so guilty. I remember filling forms out with fictitious facts and a woman telling me there were other options before I went through with the procedure. I remember sitting in a cold room with a hospital gown on where the procedure was to take place.

When I woke after the procedure I felt sick to my stomach and depressed. I lied and said someone was outside waiting for me, but there wasn’t. I drove myself home. I was so groggy I could hardly drive. I did everything possible to hide it from my parents.

After the abortion I was a different person. I became numb. I went on a mission of self-destruction. I drank and did drugs, [I was promiscuous] and I was always depressed. I isolated myself a lot. I wanted to die and I wished that I would do something stupid enough that it would kill me. I was so closed down emotionally there was nothing inside my heart.

My lifestyle of sex and drugs and depression continued until I got pregnant again when I was 36 years old. This time I got really sick and ended up with hypothyroid disease. It slowed down my entire body, energy and life. I felt God was punishing me and I deserved a life of misery. After this abortion I still continued to party and have multiple sexual encounters.

In 2006 I heard God speak to me to come to him after a night of partying.

I was sitting in my car and I heard his voice as if he was in the car with me.

He told me it was time to stop and turn to him. I said yes, my Lord, I am all yours.

Since God’s calling I began reading the Bible and going to church. Going to confession for the first time was painful, yet I felt so blessed to be forgiven. God has blessed me with healing I never dreamed possible. I spent so many nights on my knees begging for mercy and forgiveness, crying in bed, crying at church, and then all of the sudden the pain began to lift.

I still get sad and will never forget my children and the life I could have had, but I don’t have the deep pain and guilt and I don’t turn to sex or drugs to escape that pain. God took all that from me.

In 2009 I attended a Rachel’s Vineyard Retreat weekend workshop. It helped me so much to love my children and forgive myself. The women and one man who ran the retreat along with the priest were such wonderful loving people; they truly impacted my life. Not only were there women there who had abortions but some brought their husbands and we all bonded like brothers and sisters.

My children were blessed and acknowledged and I gave them their names. They finally had their rightful burials and became my children who are with the Lord and waiting for me to come home.

All through the years I felt I would speak about my lifelong struggles due to the abortions. Jesus and Mary both guided me in 2010 to write a book about my life before and after God’s calling. They are guiding me now to speak to others who have gone through the pain of abortion or who are thinking about getting an abortion, even to speak to women to not get themselves into the situation to have to make that decision. Even the men who are or were partners go through the trauma of losing their children. I never gave either of my partners the opportunity to choose.

I know my children are with Jesus and they are happy, and one day I will be with them. I no longer get sad [in church] when I see families that remind me of what I never had.

Now I look at them and say I want to help others to choose to have their children and families. For those of us who didn’t get to have our families, well, we can embrace that our children are in heaven and we can help the children here on earth have a voice, because ours didn’t. And most important we can help each other embrace our lives that God gave us.