Some people know instinctively how to help a grieving person. But for most of us, dealing with someone else’s grief is a little more uncomfortable. We might be at a loss for words. We might not know how to respond to the raw emotions a grieving person exudes.
Our greatest temptation might be to avoid the person or ignore the situation. But that is the worst thing we can do.
The word “bereavement” means “to be torn apart.” It describes the deep emotional wound caused by the death of a loved one. Grief is a normal human reaction to the painful void that death creates, the process by which healing takes place.
Each person experiences grief differently, but most people find themselves struggling through five key areas: accepting the reality of the death, feeling the pain of loss, adjusting to life without the person, repositioning the person as a memory and finding new meaning in life.
The best way to reach out to someone will depend on your relationship with that person and where he or she is in the grieving process.
Let the person know that you are saddened to hear the news. Expressions of genuine sympathy – even from acquaintances – offers the assurance that someone else cares. You will know instantly whether the grieving person wants to share the details of what happened.
Telling the story of what happened allows them to come to grips with the reality of the death. You can help by just listening. Don’t interrupt or try to change the way the person is feeling.
Don’t say: “I know how you feel,” “You’ve got to be strong.” “It’s a blessing in disguise.” “God never gives us more than we can handle.”
Instead, say: “I can’t imagine how painful this must be.” “It’s okay to cry.” “What I’m hearing you say is.” “Anytime you want to talk.”
Immediately after a death, grieving people are often in a state of shock. You can ask if they need help with: making phone calls; shopping for and preparing food; caring for children or pets; picking up family members from the airport, and helping with arrangements for the wake, funeral or burial.
A wake allows people to pay their last respects to the deceased and to comfort the bereaved. You can help by sharing your own memories and being present for prayers at the wake service. If you are unable to attend the wake, sending a sympathy card, online message or a Mass card with a heartfelt note can be a real consolation.
Catholic funerals allow us to give the person to God with renewed hope in the resurrection of the body and eternal life. You can also help by serving in some lay aspect of the liturgy. Or you can assist at parish funeral meal or a family reception.
Parishes often train volunteers to assist in planning a funeral, arrange for an honor guard and adult altar servers at funerals, organize funeral meals for the family, sponsor an annual memorial Mass in November to honor those who died during the year, correspond monthly with the bereaved and start a bereavement support group.
The grieving need a good friend long after the funeral. The most difficult time for a grieving person is between the fourth and the ninth month after the eath. As special days approach, memories of past holidays surface and feelings of loss intensify.
Grieving people often feel alone and afraid. Their family members and friends might grow impatient and tell them: “Why can’t you pull yourself together? When are you going to get back to normal?”
Here are some ways to open a conversation in the months after the death:
“Do you want to talk?” Listen with compassion to the thoughts and fears that they may be reluctant to share with family members. Some questions you will be able to answer; others have no answer.
“I was thinking about …” Let the grieving person know that you still think about their loved one. Use the person’s name when you share your thoughts and memories.
“Do you want to pray?” You might suggest saying an Our Father or a Hail Mary together. If you’re comfortable with spontaneous prayer, ask the Lord to help this person and invite the person to ask the Lord for what they need. Or offer to accompany the grieving person to Mass or Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament.
“Is there something you would like me to help you do?” Your offer to help opens the door to possibilities that may be weighing on the person’s mind. Don’t make suggestions, just assure the grieving person that you would be willing to help in any way.
Meanwhile, honor confidentiality. When grieving people share their fears, failures, disappointments and difficulties, they expect that you will not tell anyone else what they said. To do so would be a breach of trust and could have terrible repercussions. The only exception is if you suspect that the person needs outside intervention – for example, signs of excessive weight loss, neglecting basic self-care, the use of drugs or alcohol, or suicidal thoughts. These may be indications of clinical depression.
Grief has no timetable. You will know that someone is nearing the end of their bereavement when they show signs that they are adjusting to their new life: They begin to laugh again, their memories become comforting instead of painful, and they feel a sense of hope for the future.
Until then, remember: A good listener just listens.
Lorene Hanley Duquin is a Catholic author and lecturer who has worked in parishes and on a diocesa