By EMMALEE ITALIA
Contributing Editor
When faced with the loss of a loved one, whether recently or long ago, what would ordinarily be a joyful time of year can seem insurmountable. Those struggling with grief may experience anxiety or fear over the thought of celebrating Christmas – and that’s what parishes aim to address.
“The word ‘bereaved’ comes from bereft, which is a sense of being robbed,” said Eileen Ziesmer, pastoral associate in St. Denis Parish, Manasquan. “There’s a sense, when focusing on the holidays and joy, of feeling more robbed than ever.”
Even the Holy Family had a difficult Christmas, she said: “St. Joseph probably felt like a failure, not being able to find accommodations for his family. … But it shows how beauty can still come out of something difficult.”
Opting In to Christmas
The Hope for the Holidays Prayer Service at St. Benedict Parish, Holmdel, is one example of how parishes are meeting the bereaved with care and hope.
“If we get one person, we’re happy – that’s one person who’s being helped,” said Father Garry Koch, St. Benedict pastor.
For the past five years, Carol DeMuria, coordinator of the parish’s grief support group, has organized the service “because of the pain so many participants felt at this time of year,” she said. “It was very helpful to those who are facing the first year of holidays without their loved one.”
The parish hosted its most recent Hope for the Holiday service Dec. 3 for about 30 people, with guest speaker Kevin Keelen, a bereavement minister from Stephy’s Place in Red Bank – a free counseling service that tailors the needs of the participants. The service also included music, Scripture readings, prayers, and refreshments and fellowship afterward.
The evening “helps the grieving process, in that we give them ideas about how to change the holidays to face their new reality,” DeMuria continued. “We tell them that they have to go on with life and try to feel the joy of Christ in their lives.”
Ziesmer said St. Denis’ bereavement ministry continues with weekly sessions through Advent and most of the calendar year. In the time leading up to Christmas, she added, the focus shifts to coming to know the parish family in a new way and recognizing that this year might be a smaller, quieter celebration.
“The Incarnation reminds us of how God is always with us,” she said, noting that if the bereaved opt out of the celebration, “you rob yourself of [what’s happening in] the present and you rob others of you. Your grief will always find you, and you’re always going to miss that person,” so the grieving are encouraged to “fill your life with the ways God wants to love you.”
Ways to Cope
The St. Benedict prayer service is promoted to all parishes in the immediate area. The service is open to all, including those who do not share the Catholic faith. As an extension of the parish’s bereavement ministry, the prayer service addresses the emotions that arise when the holidays and other life milestones show up on the calendar.
“Any holiday or special event – birthdays, anniversaries, death dates – can trigger the bereaved,” DeMuria said. “This service really helps them with ways to change up their holiday traditions rather than canceling.”
Some suggestions include choosing to attend parties but driving one’s own car, offering the option of leaving whenever overwhelmed.
Having a prayer community to lean on during the holidays can be a great help to the grieving. Mike Ehrmann photo
“We suggest they have everyone think of a funny story that they remember with the lost person,” DeMuria said. “The survivors want to talk about the deceased, but the family doesn’t want to – so we encourage them to suggest things like this to honor the memory of the deceased.”
The St. Denis bereavement ministry advises the grieving to “focus on how to own their grief … and to take small steps when it comes to celebrating,” Ziesmer said. “Have an exit plan. If 15 minutes is what you can handle, that’s fine.”
As in previous years, participants were offered a memento of the St. Benedict service to take home. This year’s offering was a stone inscribed with an inspirational verse.
“I tell them to keep that stone in their pocketbook, on the table during dinner, or when they are journaling to have it nearby,” DeMuria said, “and to hold it and think of their loved one.”
Ziesmer said many friendships have formed among those in the St. Denis bereavement group, such that they gather for holiday preparations at the parish rather than being home alone.
“I call them my holy helpers,” she said of the widows who come to decorate Christmas trees for the parish religious education program. “They didn’t want to decorate a tree at home – but it makes them happy to do it for others.” Activities like these can help the grieving “come to know the parish in a new way, as family.”
Ongoing Response
DeMuria said people who attend the prayer service “seem to really enjoy it,” and that it also introduces them to the possibility of attending a small-group bereavement workshop run by Stephy’s Place.
“To date we have had over 100 people participate,” she said. “We take small groups of four to six … and run six consecutive weeks with a mixed group.”
The program also has group meetings for dinner, lunch or breakfast to keep people connected.
“These have been super successful, as many of our participants have become close friends and go out together – even on vacations sponsored by St. Benedict’s,” DeMuria said.
Offering the bereaved a spiritual lifeline, especially around the holiday season, parishes can be a catalyst for them to seek deeper healing via the small groups or another bereavement vehicle.
Everyone grieves differently, Ziesmer noted. “Our grief is as individual as we are; don’t assume they need what you need,” she said of family and parishioners looking for ways to support the bereaved.
“Always offer to talk and celebrate the person,” she suggested, “and try not to give opinions. Ask how they are doing and encourage them to talk about their loss how they want to. And don’t be upset if they don’t respond the way you want.”
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