Bishop David M. O’Connell, C.M., offered advice to parents trying to raise their children as Catholics: “Talk to your kids about everything.”
“Children live what they learn,” he said, noting the importance of leading by a lived-faith example, and how the three P’s – parents, parishes and parochial schools/religious education – work together to raise children in the faith. “Raising Catholic kids is a miracle – but it’s never an accident. It’s always intentional.”
Speaking as one of the first guests of the KenX President’s Lecture Series at Notre Dame High School, Lawrenceville, Bishop O’Connell said he believes “parents just don’t talk about or ask about what the Catholic faith means to their children.”
“Outside the classroom, children encounter exposure to alternate ways of life … contrary to Catholic faith, in this so-called modern age,” he said, emphasizing the irreplaceable role of parents as the first catechists of their children.
Alarming statistics
NDHS president Ken Jennings said he was inspired to start the KenX speaker series when he heard “fairly alarming statistics about how many of our Catholic youth are leaving the Church after eighth grade and high school.” He said he thought the Nov. 21 topic, Raising Catholic Kids in our Modern Age, “would be consequential to our community.”
Bishop O’Connell, who has taught at high schools and colleges and served for 12 years as president of The Catholic University of America, Washington, D.C., said he had witnessed the statistics that Jennings referenced.
“As Bishop I’ve confirmed 30,000 young people; 95% of them don’t come back to church the following Sunday,” he said. “What is it all for, if they don’t continue?”
“God has called parents to be the primary disciple-makers in the lives of their kids,” he said. “Do you ever wonder these days, will a lasting faith ever be possible? … The Church provides parents with an assurance that the efforts you make to raise them as Catholic are yours, but not yours alone … Mass and the Sacraments – I cannot emphasize it enough – those are the Church’s way of continuing the life of faith that you began.”
The Bishop said Catholic schools and religious education programs partner with parents by providing structure to their spiritual and moral development.
“While teaching addresses the intellectual … formation focuses on the overall picture,” he said. In Catholic schools, activities like Mass and Confession or service projects help students “build good moral character … you want your Catholic kids to be good people.”
Why Youth Leave
Bishop O’Connell said when he worked at universities, parents often asked why, in spite of raising their children in the faith, they stop going to church.
“‘What should I do?’ they would ask. I don’t know how to answer,” he said frankly. “It saddens me, but it doesn’t surprise me.”
That’s because he hears from children that they do not go to Mass on Sunday because their parents don’t go.
“This 8-, 10- or 12-year-old doesn’t drive a car; they need to be taken to church. And who takes them, if the parents don’t?” he asked.
Pointing to the Pew Research Center’s studies, he noted that more than half of Catholic youth have left the Church by the time they turn 18.
“Why do you think that’s the case?” he asked the audience.
“I think they don’t know what they’re leaving,” said one respondent. “Like the True Presence – it’s poor catechesis, if they’re leaving. I think they just aren’t realizing what they’re turning their back on
Another noted, “I did that when I went to college – I didn’t know who I was, and honestly I was selfish … but I did find my way back. So sometimes I would say to those parents, give it time, they may come back.”
“I always say that to parents,” Bishop O’Connell responded. “I say, ‘Don’t haunt them. Give them good example, talk about the faith, tell them what it means to you … but don’t pester them … sometimes it takes them until they get married and have their own children.
“Unlike our wealth and earthly leaders – which will disappoint and constantly change – Jesus is the one steadfast and unchanging anchor who can hold our lives together,” the Bishop said. “That’s what we constantly have to tell our kids … The teaching of the Church – that’s the truth, and the truth doesn’t change.”
‘Keep Talking to Them’
After his main presentation, Bishop O’Connell was joined by Dr. Ana Samuel, research scholar at the Witherspoon Institute in Princeton and current NDHS parent, for a moderated discussion that sought to give parents and educators in attendance some guidance on keeping the Catholic faith alive and relevant for youth.
Dr. Samuel pointed to the statistic that 50% of children lose their Catholic faith by the age of 13, and that 85% no longer identify as Catholic.
“We stand with you, Bishop,” Dr. Samuel said. “I heard this morning that there are two types of people – the thermometer person and the thermostat person. The thermometer person just tells you the temperature, this is how it is. But the thermostat type of person tries to raise the moral temperature of the environment. That’s who I think are here tonight.”
“Youth today want to know why – why the Church teaches what it teaches,” she continued, asking the Bishop how parents can help children integrate the academic with their faith.
When it comes to the Eucharist and reconciling it with science, “We don’t,” the Bishop said. “I’m a Bishop, I can’t explain it – because it’s a matter of faith. … The difference between science and faith is the starting point. They don’t necessarily contradict one another … We have to present it in a way that they complement each other – faith and reason, Pope John Paul II said, ‘are the two wings that will fly us to heaven.’”
“So, keep opening their eyes to spiritual realities, and then encourage them to be as scientific as they want?” Dr. Samuel asked.
“If I was dying and had one thing to say,” Bishop O’Connell answered, “it’s this: ‘keep talking to your kids … and don’t be afraid” of difficult subjects. “I don’t know an easy way to do it.”
Dr. Samuel noted that many parents feel hypocritical talking about Catholicism if they themselves left the faith for a time in their youth.
“I’d tell [your children] that you learned a better way,” the Bishop said. “Why did you come back? Something drew you back.”
Celeste Grant, whose had three sons graduate from Notre Dame High School, heard about the talk via an email from the Diocese to parish catechetical leaders. “I came because I catechize parents in my program, and I’m hoping to bring some tips back to them,” she said.
Maureen Tuohy, principal of Our Lady of Sorrows School, Hamilton, said that “as the leader of a Catholic school, I wanted to hear the Bishop’s take on how we can pass the message on to our children about being Catholic in today’s world – don’t be afraid to show it … I always know that he has something that I can take back to them and to the teachers, to give them his insights.”
Robert Pluta, whose son attends Notre Dame, said, “I think Catholic education is important because the culture is very dark … Kids will not survive the culture if they do not have the reinforcement at home, at school and the parish … If you look at when my parents grew up in the 1950s, there was a lot of Christian capital in the culture … that’s not the norm anymore.”
“Talk to your kids,” was the advice of Bishop David M. O’Connell, C.M., as he spoke Nov. 21 as one of the first guests of the KenX President’s Lecture Series at Notre Dame High School, Lawrenceville.
After expounding on the topic “Raising Catholic Kids in our Modern Age,” the Bishop was joined by Dr. Ana Samuel, research scholar at the Witherspoon Institute in Princeton and current NDHS parent, for a moderated discussion that sought to give parents and educators in attendance some guidance on keeping the Catholic faith alive and relevant for youth.
“Children live what they learn,” he emphasized, noting the importance of leading by a lived-faith example, and how the three P’s – parents, parishes and parochial schools / religious education – work together to raise children in the faith. “Raising Catholic kids is a miracle – but it’s never an accident. It’s always intentional.”
Dr. Ana Samuel moderates a discussion with the Bishop on how parents can address some difficult questions of faith in light of today’s culture. EmmaLee Italia photo