Though Catholic teachings call the faithful to help heal and comfort those in pain, the fact is that countless men and women struggling with the wounds of divorce often linger in a self-imposed exile, on the sidelines of their faith.
On Oct. 15, for the second year in a row, men and women from around the Diocese heard that message during the “Gently Moving Forward” day of healing for separated and divorced Catholics in Gonzaga Hall, the newly refurbished original church of St. Aloysius Parish, Jackson. During the daylong retreat, presenters, all of whom have gone through divorce, shared their own personal stories and experiences, offering support, encouragement and compassion in familiar company.
“The day helps so many people,” said Deacon Rich Hobson of St. James Parish, Pennington, whose presentation focused on the experience of closing the door to the past and moving forward when a marriage ends.
“It’s a chance to realize, ‘Oh, I’m not alone,’” said Deacon Hobson, who has been participating in ministry to the divorced and separated for 15 years.
During the retreat, which was sponsored by the Diocese’s Department of Pastoral Care, topics ranged from the grief and guilt some experience after a marriage has broken down to the effort involved in overcoming wounded emotions and closing the door to the past. Activities and small-group discussions accompanied the speakers’ presentations.
In her opening remarks, Deanna Sass, Department of Pastoral Care director, assured those gathered of their welcome, saying that the pastoral team has “reasons to be excited about this ministry.”
That reason, she said, “is you. Our Church is not a Church without you. We need your presence, your experience and your learning, your courage and your strength.”
She urged those who are divorced to feel welcome, not ostracized, saying, “You are loved.”
Lessons in Self-Care
After opening introductions, retreat-goers listened intently as the first presenter, Mary Jackey, spoke on the experience of grief and loss when a marriage ends and the natural feelings of desertion. Jackey, a facilitator of the separated and divorced group in St. Dominic Parish, Brick, for 12 years, shared how prayer and meditation can help on the journey and stressed that there are opportunities for personal growth even among the sadness and anger that often follow a separation.
“In order to move on, we reach a point where we realize that there are more good days than bad days,” she said. “We learn how to set boundaries and take better care of ourselves.”
In his presentation, Deacon James Knipper, St. Paul Parish, Princeton, spoke on the guilt many experience when a marriage ends. “Guilt can’t be explained or sorted out easily,” he said, adding that it needs to be resolved step by step.
Deacon Knipper asked his listeners to reflect on whether they were willing to “take the steps needed to end the sense of guilt … which can lead to healing.” He also stressed the difference between the shame and guilt that can occur during the healing process.
“Guilt can be a tool,” Deacon Knipper said, “while shame is a trap.”
Avenues of Support
Many of the day’s presenters praised the retreat as an opportunity to opening the door and inviting people in to the concept of the ministry.
“The day brings people together … and gives them an avenue of support,” said Vicki Hoffman, a facilitator from Epiphany Parish, Brick. “Everyone needs help on their journeys. So often, people don’t realize that that body, mind and spirit are all involved, and an event like this helps people to focus on that concept.”
Deacon Hobson, who has been ordained for two years, agreed. “I know what that realization did for me. When I started to heal [from divorce], there was no group in the area, so I started a group. It is so important that the Diocese does things like this program. It shows that it is behind the support and encourages people. If only all parishes would recognize that and bring people together.”
The day ended in a purposefully “gentle close” with a healing service designed to help participants build trust and let go of old wounds. Vincentian Father Martin McGeough, coordinator of Jail and Prison Ministries, who is also on the diocesan pastoral team, celebrated Mass.
Just before Mass, retreat-goer Stephen Kuber shared his thoughts about the day and his own four years of participation in the separated and divorced ministry in St. Dominic Parish.
“I was very moved by what I heard here today,” said Kuber, a Baptist with a Catholic upbringing. “The first speaker brought me to tears. We are all going through the same thing. I know that life is a learning process, and if you can’t go to this and get something from it, you are closed off.”
Looking toward the future, Sass said the comments and insights from those participating in the retreat would be taken into consideration as the department continues to build its ministry to the separated and divorced.
“Our presenters are all divorced Catholics – two men and two women,” who have been supporting separated and divorced in parish ministries for years, said Sass. “We hope as a result of this day, if you are not a part of (a parish ministry to the divorced and separated), you may become one.”