A few weeks ago, I wrote an article that appeared in The Monitor’s Bereavement Section regarding advance funeral planning. In a highlighted box, the question read, “Why take the chance on your family guessing what you want?”
During the following week, I happened to be in St. Mary Cemetery and Mausoleum in Hamilton, and a family who read the article came to inquire about what needed to be done, what options were available, how much it cost and the like. But the most important reason they were there was to eliminate the chance their children would shoulder the burden of planning their funeral.
Let’s face it, we all love our children and would do almost anything for them. Well, if we love our children that much, why leave your final disposition to them with no guidance? I reiterate that leaving a home at 2 a.m. with a decedent and being asked, “What do I do now?” is a difficult situation for any family. Your father/mother/sister/brother just died, and you’re attempting to start a detailed process without a compass pointing you in any direction. Not easy.
OK, still not ready to plan for yourself? What about your parents? Have they implied or expressed to you what they want? Imagine yourself sitting in the arrangement conference at the cemetery and having no idea what your parent(s) want. Here are some choices you may be asked to make now that you’ve got a funeral Mass scheduled two days from now at 10 a.m.:
Ground Burial
- Do we choose an upright monument section or a flat marker section?
- Where do we purchase the marker or monument?
- Can they be near any relatives buried in the cemetery?
- Are there adjacent spaces in case we want to purchase them ourselves?
- What happens if they’re cremated?
Mausoleum Entombment
- Do we choose single crypts or a tandem crypt? (What’s a tandem crypt?)
- How about an abbey crypt? (What’s an abbey crypt?)
- Do we (they) want a crypt inside the building or outside the building?
- Why do we need a metal sealer casket for entombment? (What’s a metal sealer casket?)
Cremated Remains
- Can cremated remains (also referred to as “ashes” or “cremains” be buried in the ground?
- Are there “above ground” options for cremated remains?
- Can I be cremated? I’m Catholic! (Yes, you can…)
- If I’m cremated, can I still have a funeral Mass?
It’s rather evident that the choices listed above would be daunting to say the least if they needed to be made in the middle of the night, following a death, with no prior planning. Still having trouble deciding what to do? Here are a few tips to get you started:
Married? Talk to each other. This may sound like a rogue idea, but do you really know what your spouse wants? You may want traditional ground burial, and your spouse may want cremation. Don’t guess. I suspect you’ve spent significant blocks of time over the course of your life deciding what color to paint the bedroom, do we get a sedan, SUV or that convertible you always wanted? How about a few minutes of conversation on how you want to spend eternity? Write it down.
Not married? Talk to someone in the cemetery. They do this all day long and can help answer your questions, address your concerns and put your mind at ease by helping you achieve your desires. After making your decisions, whether you prepay or simply preplan, make sure someone you trust has a copy of your intentions.
What about a funeral director? How do I choose a funeral director? I can tell you from both personal and professional experience, the Diocese of Trenton is blessed to have an abundance of women and men who have been caring well for our families for decades. They know our personnel and our cemeteries and it is prudent that when you finish your cemetery planning you head to a funeral director to do the same. Please don’t be uncomfortable as the funeral directors, like the cemeterians, are here to help you make choices that satisfy your wants and needs and are according to the Order of Christian Funerals.
Thank you for listening. It’s time for you and your family to get started on where you will be while you await the Resurrection.
Mark Wilson is director of the diocesan Department of Catholic Cemeteries.