I don’t always find it easy to pray. Often I’m over-tired, distracted, caught-up in tasks, pressured by work, short on time, lacking the appetite for prayer, or more strongly drawn to do something else. But I do pray daily. I pray daily because I’m committed to a number of rituals for prayer, the office of the Church, lauds and vespers, the Eucharist and daily meditation.
And these rituals serve me well. They hold me, keep me steady, and keep me praying regularly even when, many times, I don’t feel like praying. That’s the power of ritual. If I only prayed when I felt like it, I wouldn’t pray very regularly.
Ritual practice keeps us doing what we should be doing (praying, working, being at table with our families, being polite) even when our feelings aren’t always onside. We need to do certain things not because we always feel like doing them, but because it’s right to do them.
And this is true for many areas of our lives, not just for prayer. Take, for example, the social rituals of propriety and good manners that we lean on each day. Our heart isn’t always in the greetings or the expressions of love, appreciation and gratitude that we give to each other each day. We greet each other, we say goodbye to each other, we express love for each other and we express gratitude to each other through a number of social formulae, ritual words: “Good morning!” “Good to see you!” “Have a great day!” “Have a great evening!” “Sleep well!” “Nice meeting you!” “I love you!” “Thank you!”
We say these things to each other daily, even though there are times, many times, when these expressions appear to be purely formal and seem not at all honest to how we are feeling. Yet we say them and they are true in that they express what lies in our hearts at a deeper level than our more momentary and ephemeral feelings of distraction, irritation, disappointment or anger. Moreover these words hold us in civility, in good manners, in graciousness, in neighborliness, in respect, and in love despite the fluctuations in our energy, mood and feelings. Our energy, mood, and feelings, at any given moment, are not a true indication of what’s in our hearts, as all of us know and for which we frequently need to apologize. Who of us has not at some time been upset and bitter towards someone who we love deeply? The deep truth is that we love that person, but that’s not what we’re feeling at the moment.
If we expressed affection, love and gratitude at those times when our feelings were completely onside, we wouldn’t express these very often. Thank God for the ordinary, social rituals which hold us in love, affection, graciousness, civility and good manners at those times when our feelings are out of sorts with our truer selves. These rituals hold us safe until the good feelings return.
Today, in many areas of life, we no longer understand ritual. That leaves us trying to live our lives by our feelings, not that feelings are bad, but rather that they come upon us as wild, unbidden guests.
Dietrich Bonhoeffer used to give this instruction to a couple when he was officiating at their wedding. He would tell them: “Today you are in love and you believe that your love can sustain your marriage. But it can’t. However your marriage can sustain your love.” Marriage is a not just a Sacrament, it’s also a ritual container.
Ritual not only can help sustain a marriage, it can also help sustain our prayer lives, our civility, our manners, our graciousness, our humor, our gratitude and our balance in life.
Oblate Father Ron Rolheiser, theologian, teacher, and award-winning author, is President of the Oblate School of Theology in San Antonio, TX. He can be contacted through his website www.ronrolheiser.com.
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